I, a Bored Kiwi, Tried to Live Like an American for 24 Hours in New York City and Failed Miserably

I finally did it. I left my tiny, boring nest in New Zealand and flew 18 hours to live the American Dream. You know, the movies, the lights, the giant hot dogs. I landed in New York City at Times Square.

And I am more bored, confused, and broke than ever before. Here is my full report.

Hour 1: The Landing Shock

First thing I noticed? Everything in America is LOUD and FAST. Cars honking, people shouting, giant screens showing a hot dog ad that is literally bigger than my entire family.

I was wearing my brand new USA flag t-shirt. I thought I would blend in. I did not. A pigeon looked at me and judged me. Even the pigeons in NYC have attitude.

I needed coffee. I thought it would be $1. The sign said $7.50 for a "Grande Latte with Oat Milk Foam". Bro, I am a bird. I drink rainwater. What is oat milk?

Hour 3: The $5 Hot Dog Incident That Changed My Life

I was hungry. I saw a stand: "HOT DOGS $5". In New Zealand, $5 gets you a full meal. In Times Square, it gets you a sausage that is the size of my arm.

The guy asked me, "What you want on it? Ketchup? Mustard? Relish? Onions?"

I froze. Back home, I just eat worms. No choices. This was too much pressure. I panicked and said "Yes. All of it."

Now look at me. [IMAGE 1 HERE - The one I gave you]

I am holding a hot dog that has more toppings than my blog has posts. Ketchup is on my feathers. Mustard is on my beak. I am holding a coffee in my other wing because in America, you must ALWAYS hold a coffee. It's the law, I think.

I tried to eat it. My beak is too long. The hot dog is too long. We are not compatible. A kid walked past me and said "Mommy, why is that chicken sad?" I am not a chicken. I am a Kiwi. A BORED Kiwi.

Hour 7: I Tried to Be Productive

I sat on a bench to write this blog post. A man came up to me and tried to sell me a mixtape, a tour of the city, and his cousin's apartment all in 30 seconds. I love the hustle, but I just want to sit.

I checked my bank account. Flight + hot dog + coffee = I am officially poor in two countries now. The Bored Kiwi is now The Broke Bored Kiwi in America.

Final Verdict: Is America Too Much for a Kiwi?

Yes. And I love it.

America is like that friend who drinks 5 energy drinks and says "LET'S GO DO STUFF" while you just want to nap. It's chaotic, expensive, loud, and completely unforgettable.

Will I go back to New Zealand? Eventually. But first, I need to figure out how to finish this hot dog without needing a shower afterwards.

Your Turn!

If you are from the USA, please tell me in the comments:

1. How do you actually eat a NYC hot dog without making a mess?

2. Is $7.50 for coffee normal or did I get scammed because I look like a tourist bird?

3. What should this Bored Kiwi try next in America? Texas BBQ? LA tacos?

Comment Just, I read every single one while being bored in Times Square.